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Wow, it's been awhile.

Not even sure how long it's been. *goes and looks*
Wow, it's been 3 years since I last updated. A quick skim and I can say things haven't changed much.
Zoefia is older, I suppose in some ways its gotten easier, but in others, not so much. I love her dearly but the older I get, the older she gets, the more I understand why my parents did what they did.

This has certainly been the year of all years. A lot of changes, a lot of things going on.
In March, I quit my job of nearly three years. I can honestly say that was the best damn decision I ever made. That place made me want to kill myself, literally. I was in physical pain due to my back injury and my feet and just in general being over weight. But mentally, it was excruciating to be doing such a menial job over and over, day in and day out.

In June, almost three months ago, Luke moved out. Our marriage is over. It feels weird saying that still. My entire world feels weird right now. It still hasn't really dawned on me that this is over. A part of me thinks it's because it's been over for a long time, and it finally came to a head because I had a damn good reason to. I think a lot of the reasons I stayed before now were just being scared to go alone. It really started hitting me last year, but it's been building for years. So many reasons it didn't work, and even though I'm scared and I know he'd take me back now, it would just be because he's a safe option, but not because I have any love or passion for him. Of course, he's my child's father and that means something but there is too much anger and resentment to go back now. Too many conversations fallen on deaf ears, so much disappointment and sadness from living with someone who has no motivation or drive in life. As decent of a person as he is, I don't think we ever should have gotten married and if it had not been for Zoe, I don't think I would have, even back then. We should have thought things through a little better when we decided to have her. Perhaps we could have made it work, but realistically, looking back, I think I was just hoping for something that I hadn't had before and that was the answer. I wish I had been smarter and waited until I found someone that was truly worthy of my love, and having a child with me.

How life can be so cruel sometimes. The reason everything came to a head is because I met Stuart playing wow. I know...I said I would never, ever fall for someone else playing WoW. I know that he is different though. He had a girlfriend and I was married, but we came together to discuss our problems in our relationships every day, we shared music and rather quickly we noticed there was a lot of coincidences ( we have the same damn birthday! ). We just found that we loved so many of the same things, despite some pretty huge differences. For the first time, I've fallen for someone younger than me. Talk about weird given my history, but yet he ticks the boxes that so many before him haven't. He's such a beautiful man, I call him boy, but he is a man. He is gorgeous, emotionally, physically, mentally. I always fall hard when I fall for someone, but this feels different. He's just as involved in our relationship as I am. We both want the exact same things, he cares about me so much and he proves it. I wake up to his messages every day, we spend our evenings every night on Skype together. I am madly in love with him it feels like my heart can explode from feeling so loved and loving him so much in return. I can't believe it's been only three months, but we spend nearly every minute of our day talking via text or Skype. Even when he's at work, we never go more than an hour without saying something to one another. I'm so crazy about him, and THIS feels like he could be the one I have waited all my life for. I have never had *THIS* before. I've always been chasing someone, or someone chasing me. But this is the first time that we both mutually chase each other. When one of us is upset, the other fights and chases and doesn't let them go until it's sorted. We have hard conversations, we get through them, we talk about them and we don't let it drag out for hours or days. For the first time in my life, I want to let go and let someone take care of me, to take a step back from being so aggressive and let him take control and try to learn to be calm and relaxed. Not change who I am, but just let the guy be the guy and try to refine myself a bit. It feels so amazing to have someone feel as deeply about me as I do about them, he touches my heart in ways I can't describe.

I worry that I haven't given myself the time to get over my marriage and find myself but in ways I have. He lives in Toowoomba, and me in Bega, so it's not like there isn't a lot of time that I am still alone and doing my own thing. It's amazing having my independence back and part of letting go and letting him take care will be difficult but it's what I want; I need to find a balance between standing up for what I want, doing what I want, but also letting go and allowing someone to spoil me and do things for me. He ordered for me at a nice place we went to when I visited him, and it was weird having a man order for me but then at the same time, it was oddly satisfying having someone else take control and not having to handle all the responsibilities. It'll be nice not having to always carry all the responsibilities.

He makes my heart sing like it has never sung before. I hope we are both right. Sometimes it feels like we've rushed, and other times it feels like it's going so slow. How do you know when the time is right to take things to the next place. Can you really ever know if the time is right? It feels like it would be right, right now, although situations don't allow for it right now, but hopefully by February of next year, I will be living in Toowoomba and we'll be together. It's been a month since we first met on the 19th, and the time has dragged by slowly, it's going to kill us both to wait that long, and hopefully we can make it happen sooner, but God all I want is to be with him right now.

More to come I think, but I leave with a song he gave to me, and I quote him when he said "Could the lyrics be anymore perfect?"....and I actually cried listening to this:

"No Matter What"

I need you right here, by my side
You're everything I'm not in my life.
We're indestructible, we are untouchable
Nothing can take us down tonight
You are so beautiful, it should be criminal
That you could be mine.

And we will make it out alive
I'll promise you this love will never die!

No matter what, I got your back
I'll take a bullet for you if it comes to that
I swear to God that in the bitter end
We're gonna be the last ones standing

So believe me when I say, you're the one
They'll never forgive us for the things we've done

And we will make it out alive
I'll promise you this love will never die!

No matter what, I got your back
I'll take a bullet for you if it comes to that
I swear to God that in the bitter end
We're gonna be the last ones standing
We'll never fall, we'll never fade
I'll promise you forever and my soul today
No matter what until the bitter end
We're gonna be the last ones standing

And everybody said that we would never last,
And if they saw us now I bet they'd take it back
It doesn't matter what we do or what we say
'Cause nothing matters anyway!

No matter what, I got your back
I'll take a bullet for you if it comes to that
I swear to God that in the bitter end
We're gonna be the last ones standing
We'll never fall (We'll never fall)
We'll never fade (We'll never fade)
No matter what until the bitter end
We're gonna be the last ones standing
I am a horrible, selfish mother, and unfortunately I don't know how to be any different :(

I don't play with my child (much), I don't sing the ABCs to her. I don't try to show her how to count. I don't "teach" her the colors of the rainbows. If anything, I live each day counting down the minutes until "nap" time or "bed" time. She frustrates me, more than I can say; more than I imagined would ever happen before I had her.

Now don't question my love for her. Because I love her more than my own pathetic soul. When Luke is being mean to her for w/e reason, I'm quick to stand up for her, and tell him to get the hell on. But when its me pissed at her, I expect her to endure it, accept it, and learn from it. (She doesn't off course).

All I can do is think to myself, "Is it always going to be this way?" Maybe I'm the fool who got knocked up too early in life. I shouldn't have gotten married, or had her. Maybe I'm restless living this life, in this town. I can't say for sure. I just saw all of this going a lot differently. I hear people say I have it "good." I tend to look at my life thru their eyes and say yeah I do, but it doesn't FEEL like it. It feels like I'm a selfish bitch of a mom, who doesn't know what to do with her toddler, so she ignores her and does her own thing (while making sure she's safe of course). I hate letting her go outside ( our house is infested with spiders EVERYWHERE and I'm afraid she'll get hurt, but more importantly to this topic, is that I am bored outside. I don't want to sit out there in the sun, I have nothing to do, she never listens to a damn fucking word I say even when I know she understands me.) I don't try new activities with her, because every time I have in the past, they usually turn out horribly - as in she hates it and starts screaming and its too much drama for me to give a shit to do it. I bought us a little pool, I even go thru the effort of filling it up with warm water, and the little brat will get in for 5 minutes and then get out. WTF KID! All she ever wants to do inside is climb into my office chair and pull every piece of shit on my desk down onto the floor - the absolute one thing that I bitch about her on a daily, hourly, bi-minute basis.

When I wanted her, I thought I'd be "That" mom. The one who sung to her kid, carried her around in a pouch. The one who let her kid try eating with a spoon from day one. Zoe is 18 months and she's only now learned how to eat with a spoon/fork. Mostly due to her grandmother letting her do it at her house. Me? I don't own my house so I didn't want her to ruin the carpet. We don't have a "dining" room, its all carpet. But lets be honest, I didn't want to clean the shit up either.

Now maybe its not fair, and I'm being stupid but it really does not help when she listens to Luke. She stays up til 11:00 at night waiting for him to get off work and refusing to go to bed (screaming in her cot every time I try for HOURS - yes I'm that mean. I have let her ass stay in that cot for over an hour crying b/c she would not go to bed b/c Luke wasn't home yet...regardless of being awake from 3:00pm - 11:00pm). She will curl up with him on the bed, couch, floor, etc...she runs from me. Rightfully so. I yell at her all day to get away from my shit on my desk. I don't play with her nearly as much as I should. Don't get me wrong, its not that I pretend she isn't here..I just feel like I need to be doing more educational things to boost her intelligence, etc.. but I am so tired of what happens when I try that I have given up - THAT is what makes me a horrible mother. I shouldn't give up on my child, but I can't help it. I'm so sick of TRYING. Flash card? Fuck no - won't sit still thru them. Singing? Get out, she'd rather run screaming thru the house. She has a sand pit, but she doesn't like getting her hands dirty >.< I've tried finger painting, but again, doesn't like it on her hands..

GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK. I can't take it. I really want to be "THAT" mom, Zoe..for you, I really do. I know you're smart, I know you're healthy... but I don't have a clue as to what to do with you. I think I knew instinctively what to do with you as a baby better than I do now, and now you're closer to being a real person than you were then.

Please god send me the patience, the understanding and the knowledge I need to prepare my child for this life. Please let me find the strength and gumption to be a better mom than what I had. I am so incredibly lost and I know I should not give up, but its all I can do to get thru the day. Its not that she's difficult, its not even that she is bad. She's so smart, so energetic, and she NEEDS my attention, she needs things to do... but what can I do with her that will keep her attention for more than a minute or two? I'm so ashamed of myself for wasting all the time I've already wasted that I could have been teaching her important things, but I don't know how to. I don't know how to cope with the disappointment and frustration that comes with most of my endeavors of teaching her.

And the really dumb thing is, in my heart I know I want another one at some point down the road, but how can I have another one if I'm not willing to give this one my best effort? I wish I could be given the chance to go into the future and see what my life will be like in 10 years time....to know that it wont always be this way. That eventually I will be able to do things with her and not feel its a waste of time every time.

As I said, its not that I just toss her in a corner, and I try to pick a fun place/thing to do at least once a week with her as a family...go to the beach, go to the park..etc. She goes to grandma's twice a week now, which is fun for her as well. Luke and I have discussed walking her down to the park downtown twice a week starting next week, which is a 2-3 hour adventure..but I know its not enough.

/frustrated, ashamed, sad :(

I won't go so far as to delineate the world along these lines, but it can't be argued. There are Listerine people, and there are Scope people. (And then there are people who don't worry so much about dental hygiene. Try not to kiss those people.) Some people enjoy Listerine - the original, amber-colored liquid - and some people prefer the various blue and green rinses in flavors like Cool Mint and Winterfresh (whatever that means).

They're all the same. They all fill your mouth with strong odors, disguising whatever natural smells might be in there. They all kill germs, supposedly. They all allow you to exude a comforting, clinical aroma that suggests cleanliness and vague toxicity.

Why do some of us prefer Listerine, then? Scope, as well as the blue and green flavors of Listerine, and most other mouthwashes, taste good. Sweet. Pleasant. Listerine? Listerine hurts. Listerine is a bottle of fresh-smelling amber-colored pain. Listerine takes commitment.

Maybe that's it. Listerine proves your commitment to fresh breath. Listerine allows you to demonstrate your imperviousness to pain. It shows the world that yeah, you are tough on germs! You give bacteria no quarter! Microbes tremble at your approach! Whereas Scope users just want fresh breath. They smell just as good afterwards, and both camps have conquered halitosis and gingivitis. But the Wintermint users of the world don't understand - Listerine cleans more than your mouth.

Listerine provides spiritual cleansing. Listerine allows us to feel pain, to suffer, and thereby to be made pure! No pain, no gain. Only through fire may we achieve rebirth and kill 99.9% of odor-causing bacteria. And Pfizer knows it. Watch the commercials and see the faces of the actors on the screen: they're suffering as well.

Listerine users are Calvinists. We know that life is pain, and that God has probably given up on us. Only through self-flagellation can we prove our worthiness - we worship one of the Old Gods who demand penance in exchange for the gifts we're given. Like the flagelants of the Middle Ages, we punish ourselves to atone for our own sins, and to beg God's forgiveness and grace. Instead of trying to end the Black Death through our own suffering, we beg God for salvation from tooth decay and bad breath.

And now, thanks to Cool Mint Listerine PocketPaks, I can take the pain that Listerine gives me anywhere. Spriritual cleansing in a little plastic container. God bless us all.

My daughter has been at her grandmother's house for two days now....that's the longest she's ever been away from me at one time. I miss her :( A lot. I wish I had waited 10 years to have her... to be a more experienced person in life itself, to thus be a better mom to her. She deserves the best that life has to offer, I hope I can give her that. She's saying Grandma now! So: Mama, bubba, grandma, and hopefully she'll start saying da-da again soon. Da-da was her first/second word (she said bubba around the same time), but she stopped saying it for some reason.

She'll probably be at Grandma's until the weekend as I don't want her to get strep which gives me the week to annihilate this house with a mop, broom, cloth and cleaner lol. The hall way is packed full of clothes in the floor from our return trip from the states. Some how it all got dumped in there. The rest of the house is okay though. lol. Anyhow... a few pictures from our Studio Session:

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Aug. 15th, 2010

I have strep throat and if I could find the person who did it to me I'd tie them down in a chair and use their head as a speed bag. Seriously, then I'd probably run their ass over. Who goes out and spreads their nasty germs in public? Stay yo ass home if you got some nasty shit, don't spread it dumbass fuckers

Jul. 16th, 2010

There was a day, not even that long ago really, that I never thought I'd say this...but I love my daughter...-so- much. I mean the love I feel for her, she completes and fills that empty hole I've had for so long. Even now, she's a sick little snotty nose, booger baby, she's so damn cute, adorable,and absoltuely beautiful... but goddamn I'm tired as hell atm.

Jun. 5th, 2010

Migranes with Vomitting, The Shits, and Coldsores, Oh my!  What fantastic week I've had.

May. 17th, 2010

So,  I went to see The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo over the weekend, needless to say, I walked out before the end of the 2nd rape scene. It's the 2nd movie I've had to walk out of due to the sexually abusive content. I just can't sit there and say "Oh its just a movie" ...cause its not just a movie. It happens. Making it acceptable to watch on t.v. means to some people that it must be okay to do. Its rated MA 15. Seriously... so its okay for a 15 year old boy to come in here, then go out and rape a young girl by tying her up with electrical cords, handcuffs, rape her and then say "But its just like in the movie!" "She wanted it!" To make it so there is absolutely no censorship is disgusting. Most adults can elude to the fact that the girl was being taken advantage of, but to show viewers the entire rape without turning the camera for one minute. I'm appalled that even the camera man could stand there and hold the camera even if it was fiction. When did -rape- become acceptable? I knew murder had a long time ago... but I was pretty sure rape was still on the too horrific to talk about, let alone make a movie about it, in which at the point we left, didnt seem to even have shit all to do with the rest of the movie. I have read a lot of reviews by people who saw the whole thing and apparently there is some sweet revenge in the end, but I hadn't gotten a chance to find out after being sickened to see what I had to endure to get to the end. As it is, I have the book and may read the book to get a better understanding and perhaps download the rest of the movie when it comes out, skipping thru the shithouse scenes. Oh, by the way, its in full subs too. >.< I hope the American remake caters to a more queasy audience with respect for English.
"To whom this may concern,

My name is Jon H******. I'm currently deployed to Afghanistan, and have previously deployed to Iraq before and during the surge back in 06-08. I keep reading about congress, the senate, and whoever else constantly talking about how the military is now paid too much. They base this judgment off the monetary and non-monetary benefits (i.e. health care, the px and commissary, which aren't actually beneficial with the extra costs tied to them anymore, and the non-taxable pay areas). Does it not come into the argument that service-members deal with many MANY more hardships than your average civilians? I can't remember the last time any of my civilian friends that have been working at their jobs for 4 years (note the age and job experience reference) spent 16 months away from their families and were told it was ok because they tossed an extra $1000 a month my way for the extra 4 months. And to add to that, I've also never heard of any of my civilian friends having to lead multiple other men in combat, furthermore heard any of them having to deal with one of those men dying while doing what you say. But, that's right, we volunteered for it, right? So that makes it ok to constantly abuse the people that volunteered to stand up and fight for our country and it's beliefs? Since we volunteered for it, that makes it OK for our paychecks to just even out with the civilian who has done nothing more than live day by day for themselves and no one else?
If anyone finds that offensive....well, quite frankly I stopped caring what is found offensive by those who haven't stepped foot on foreign soil to do what's needed for someone other than themselves. It's sad, really, to see all these people in some position of power, that seem like they flat out don't care about the people serving their country. If it doesn't apply to you while you read it, then pay no mind, but if it does, then please take in every consonant and vowel and REALLY think about this. When was the last time you spent weeks away from your family? Or days, for that matter? Now compound that feeling, at least 12 fold, and imagine the hardships that the service members go through. If you've never done it, then I'll make it easy for you, STOP TRYING TO IMAGINE IT, because you can't possibly fathom it. And that experience you can't relate to goes 10 fold for the folks that have experienced actual combat and lost friends over here. I find it absolutely disgusting that the people running our country constantly diminish the value of the sacrifices that it's service members make. Before I go any further, this needs to be made clear, I am NOT complaining about how much I am paid. I am, however, complaining about how much these "experts" seem to think they can justify service members getting paid too much without even touching on the fact that we work MUCH longer hours than MOST civilians, and we tend to be working these hours in foreign countries were large groups of people want nothing more than to watch me and my brothers (and sisters) in arms be killed in any way possible. Can anyone reading calculate that equation? What would the figures be? "Basic pay + lost 11 friends in one month = too much money and benefits"? Oddly enough, I can't seem to put a price tag on anyone who's servings life. Maybe those so called experts can, and if they can, I'd really appreciate knowing what they think my lifetime of nightmares, jumpiness, slight paranoia, brain damage, and horrible flashbacks are worth. And once they put a price tag on it, I'd put it on ebay and make as much money off it as I can, because I guarantee you none of us that serve want those things.
So this writing is my call to action of a certain few people mentioned in a newsletter I got: Sen. James Webb (D-Va.),Brenda S. Farrell (the Government Accountability Office's director), Carla Tighe Murray ( a senior analyst for the Congressional Budget Office), and countless others who fall into this category of experts and analysts that are so great at crunching numbers. Try to get me the figures of what all that I have mentioned, and will mention, a service member takes away from their time SERVING is worth. Then please, plug that into your calculator and let me know if I'm still making too much compared to that civilian you are comparing me too. To those that I just called to action, all of which I would venture to guess have NEVER stepped foot in a COMBAT zone. Make sure you understand COMBAT zone, not war zone. You can land at BIAP and KAF all day and say you've seen what it's like. But try patrolling the streets of Ameriyah district in West Baghdad in May of 2007, or try walking through the Korengal Valley anytime in the past 5 years, the streets of Fallujah in November of 04, or any Southern province in Afghanistan from 2009-2010. Watch your friends get killed, carry their lifeless body to a waiting helicopter or HMMWV, pick up the pieces that got blown off of them, stick it in your pocket or a plastic bag, then turn around only to be met with a hail of small arms fire and RPG's. After all that, come back and tell me, tell US, we get paid too much or our benefits are too good compared to that of the person who hasn't missed a day of their child's life, or missed an anniversary, or holiday, or birthday, all in the name of doing what's good for the greater good. Doing what their country has asked to have done.

Oh wait, I forgot.....I volunteered for it, that means I don't really have a say, right?"